One of my old mates just sent me this and I thought it too funny not to publish, so with due regards for the author.
Remember, its just a joke
What’s your favourite, mine is 15?
ACTIONS ON: IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICE (IED)
1. Household Cavalry
Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle Daily Telegraph angrily. Maintain that presence of IED in Knightsbridge is “absolutely preposterous”. Return to regimental main effort of defending Central London from the Roundheads.
Declare IED as best thing since tinned champagne; hold impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more “Wizard prang”, extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years.
Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2x Battalions worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess.
4. Armoured Infantry
Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide remains of IED in side bin.
5. Light-role Infantry
Find IED. Fail to find a solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operation and set new record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to nearest FOB under cover of mine tape.
6. Parachute Regt
Decide IED is a “hat”. Deploy most junior paratrooper to “crack the hat’s skull”. Call junior paratrooper a “hat” when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are “hats” because they weren’t there.
7. Royal Marines
Declare that IED is “hoofing”. Get junior men naked with IED as an initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra, extra supplementary rations from “the galley”. Hoofing.
Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO/Landrover insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture alive. Smuggle IED out in burka and extract to UK. Write a book per team member, all with hugely differing accounts of OP.
Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pool and do bad, bad things with black rubber coated IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for UKSF non-disclosure policy.
Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for ten days to make association to Bravos. Divert entire Bde assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it’s a small rock and not an IED.
11. Royal Artillery
Level entire 10 square-kilometre area around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralizes, it doesn’t destroy. Create promotional DVD of IED neutralization with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack.
12. Medical Corps
Send out a fit hottie to chat up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love of IED and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with an Irish Guards private.
13. Chaplain Corps
Approach the IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds from nearby insurgents pass over and around the padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre.
Stand around looking at IED whilst stroking their chins and drinking a brew. Attempt to recover IED with Foden winch. IED will not move. Junior Craftsman is sent in to assist with “Tools Fine Adjustment”. IED breaks and parts are mounted on LAD bar as trophy.
15. Royal Engineers
Destroy IED using charge with 10x more explosive content of IED. Build a Sqn bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build another Sqn bar/gym complex with BBQ’s every night for rest of tour. IED appears on next Sqn t-shirt.
16. Royal Signals
IED self-destructs to avoid Bowmanisation.
17. Royal Military Police
Issue IED with penalty fine of £1000 for loitering and not having FFD/Tourniquet/Morphine. IED detonates in anger and annoyance at the monkeys wasting its time. Surviving RMP’s issue IED with penalty fine for littering.
18. Army Air Corps
Identify IED as ideal opportunity to prove AAC has an offensive role and is not just a taxi service. Launch TOW missile at IED. Missile fails due to armaments contract being given to cheapest bidder. Accept that was the AAC’s ONLY missile and disband.
19. Intelligence Corps
Deny existence of IED to reporting unit, as they are not sufficiently cleared. Issue BG’s with a list of int-based questions to ask IED. Study Q&A analysis and find two main results:
a. Suggest IED may detonate having studied trend analysis of previous IED’s
b. Claim it’s part of a come-on involving 400 Taliban insurgents, as that’s what the guy who cleans the toilets told them.
Get pictures taken whilst posing next to IED with another unit’s GPMG/GMG/WMIK. Check IED for NSN to see if it can be put back on the shelf or backloaded to the UK. IED detonates due to someone making a video call on their mobile phone.
Turn up 5 days after IED reported. Cordon area, remove IED. Corrupt elements of ANA then move IED five hundred yards further along road and bury. Inform ISAF HQ area is now clear.
22. Afghan Civilian
Dig up IED and take to nearest ISAF post, and attempts to sell IED. Upon refusal, attempts to sell IED to Taliban. Taliban take IED and bury it at target location. Civilian digs up IED and takes to nearest ISAF post, and attempts to sell IED…….and so on